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Are you a zombie?

Does unlife have you down in the dumps?

Do you ponder…anything at all?

If you answered “Flaaarg,” to any of these questions, you’re probably a zombie, and as such, you’re most likely a mess. Not only is your body failing you one organ and orifice at a time, but the Living taunt you with their delicious bodies while swinging blunt objects at your head. It’s a cruel fate.

But there is hope! THE ZOMBIE’S WAY by Ike Onsoomyu is an inspirational guide for the Undead containing forty “words of zombie wisdom” fully illustrated so that even the brainless might glean some spark of hope from these pages. You will laugh. You will cry. You will be inspired to continue on your carnivorous rampage. This book is the answer for every Undead asking the question, “Efluuuaack?”

As a zombie, you should feel free indulge in the pleasure of consuming your children long before opening a book, but if the Living remove your limbs or if your guts drag in the dirt as you walk, and you’re feeling glum—come back to these pages and feel unalive again! You deserve it


“Reeaag fliff plah, plah, plah freeeeeem!” — James Thomas , Zombie – missing both legs at the knees

“Wuhhrarg wuhhrarg wuhhrarg!” — Sally Shore, Undead – 114 victims

“Eeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!” — Devin Peterson, Living Dead – currently impaled by a fence post


Ike Onsoomyu (sound it out) is a zombie. He enjoys short shuffles along the beach and eating brains, fresh or rotting. Seeking human companion to consume/infect. *Clipped from Undead Personals.